BY YASDNIL .T DIVAD

It seems that movies, like music, run the gamut from the classics to the awful. It is in these little depravities of cinema that we find most of what I consider to be entertainment. This being the case, some of the most atrociously entertaining films have been made in the name of science fiction; who could forget ROBOT MONSTER, PLAN 9, or FROM HELL IT CAME? So too with music.

BIZARRO

Devo, Hawkwind, Cabaret Voltaire, Vangelis, Lou Reed's Metal Machine Music; they are all examples of the impact science fiction has had on music. But what about “Catholics In Orbit” by the German outfit, Der Plan, or the Jet Jaguar theme song on the Godzilla 3 LP; and how about the dilemma of “Bucky Beetle” who is lost in space and writes polka music. Indubitable tripe! This is the stuff that can cause a woman to have multiple births or known hemophiliacs to eat the linoleum off counter tops.

Our aborted, resumed, and constantly delayed space program has given birth to at least one utterly horrific original cast album entitled Space Is So Startling, by Peter and Anthony Howard. These chowder-heads wrote a musical space fantasy which opened in Japan in 1962, flew through Britain for three months, and according to the liner notes, is demanded in America, Tunisia, and the Netherlands. It is the story of a family confronted with space, politics, and Mr. Nod (an alien who throws dirt on people and thereby eliminates hostility). While all this takes place, the cast cavorts through such immortal music pieces as “Where's That Basket” (???) and “Why Worry ... just Exist (if you're feeling low, you can do the twist…).” Upon witnessing this play most patrons thought they'd stepped into the Bizarro World. (For those unfamiliar with the Bizarros - theirs is a square planet much like our own but they operate on a creed of doing everything exactly opposite of earthlings; I would imagine they eat their clothes and rub food on their bodies - or something like that.)

THE WORST

My All-Time Worst award for a record in this genre goes to the Legendary Stardust Cowboy, who performed “I Took a Trip on a Gemini Spaceship” at the launching of the last moon-bound flight. The song is about a man who goes to space to forget a girl, and he seems to be doing quite well because his voice sounds like he swallowed an IUD and he is reciting Cervantes backwards. Runner-up on the list is Darvana Payne and the Lunar Ladies, who do a Busby Berkley-style rendition of “There's An American Flag Waving on the Moon, Tonight.” To get an idea of how dreadful this sounds, think of Lydia Lunch and Dick Powell singing a number with lyrics like, “I'm not a bit neurotic/Oh, no, no; I' m only patriotic.” Indeed!

BACKWARDS INTO THE FUTURE

If you're more interested in long-playing science fiction on record, then try any of the Godzilla soundtracks available on import. Not only do they feature music from the films but actual conversations between Gygos, Ghiddrah, Rhodan, and the King of Monsters, Godzilla. What about Star Trek? Well, Leonard Nimoy released a number of bad poetry albums but by far the worst was, Two Sides of Leonard Nimoy, on DOT Records. The incomparable Mr. Spock sings “Twinkle, Twinkle Little Earth” as if he were teething on a photon torpedo.

Scientific advances will ultimately bring about a “new music.” Music that will be defined as such because of the methods used to produce it. It is quite possible that current musicians like the Residents, ½ Japanese, and Throbbing Gristle are structuring this new music even now. Only time and public attitudes will tell. As the Earth Ro-Man tells us in the film ROBOT MONSTER, “I Must - But I, Cannot.” Some day we may be faced with the same choice, so be prepared.

David T. Lindsay (as he is known earth-wise when not cavorting through astral planes) reads comic books and cultivates bad taste at every opportunity. He has no idea what Kim Carnes is talking about.